In all my walks of
life, but particularly in my coaching, listening is fundamental. It is the basic platform on which to
build collaborative relationships with clients, colleagues, friends and
family. So I am considering
what it means to listen and to listen well.
The essential act of
listening is to take in information from another person. We have to allow space in our mind to
allow that information to enter and this is the main challenge. With our busy lives and busy minds we
often only have a small amount of space to accommodate another person’s version
of reality.
Here are two scenarios
for comparison.
Often when someone is
talking to us we are:
- judging the usefulness of the conversation
- judging the person speaking
- looking at the clock
- planning what we will say next
- planning what we will do next
- working out how to get what we want
- busy not forgetting
- working out how to demonstrate that we are clever and attractive
With so much going on in our minds already there is very little space left to listen so we practice skimming the
surface of the words being said, just enough to respond appropriately and conventionally.
Occasionally, when we
really, actively listen we:
- quiet our minds of its internal chatter
- focus our attention on the other person
- pay attention to what they say and how they say
- tune into the emotions that go along with the words
- enter their world
- respond authentically
To listen we have to
purposefully gain control of our usual mental processes and let them fade into the
background. We have to let go of our need to know so that we can make space to
learn. We have to control our urges to judge and to jump to conclusions. We have to surrender our
own agenda and ego for a little while to let the other person take centre stage
in the theatre of our mind.
To listen like this is
a gift of care and generosity. We
have to give up something of ourselves, to honour and validate another person,
which is why it is both difficult and worth doing.
